Why You Will NOT Become One With Your Husband

All Posts, The Wife Life • June 4, 2019
selfishness in marriage

Hey there! So you are on this journey called marriage…and unfortunately, when you get married, you do not get a step-by-step marriage handbook! And depending on the company you keep, you may or may not be receiving the best marriage advice or mentorship! Although this is not a marriage 101 handbook- I am hoping we can learn a few things throughout this series! 

The entire purpose of this series is to focus on becoming one with our husbands. To avoid the road of destruction leading to marriage separation or divorce. 

When we look at separation in marriage, 1 of 3 things occur: 

  1. The couple never truly becomes as one.
  2. They become one, but add things into their marriage that do not belong and slowly drifted back to being two.
  3. They become one, but subtract necessary things out of their marriage and eventually ceased to not have a marriage at all.

Statistically, 1 of those 3 things happened in 40-50% of marriages. So as proactive wives, it is up to us to change this statistic by becoming/remaining one with our husband. (Easier said than done, but well worth it!)

So for this series, we are going to tackle #1! The couple truly became as one! 

Simple math will tell you that 1+1=2 and the only way you can change that is to subtract or divide those 1s. So what should be removed so that the equation equals one? Let’s see!

The Infatuation Years 😀

You waited on him hand & foot! He wanted something you quickly got up and grabbed it. You excitingly got all dolled up just so you could make him take a second look. You ignored things about certain friends of his because well if he liked them, you could learn to tolerate them. Listen carefully…at this point in your dating career…you were two! Your love tank was overflowing & the infatuation years disguised this amazing “walking on air” feeling as being one! 

Then you said, “yes”! He put a ring on it! You did a happy dance and with excitement told all your girlfriends that you were getting married!

Sound Familiar?

I am going to guess that maybe your story has similarities to mine. If so, you married your husband because of how he made you feel when you were dating. You LOVED him! 

BUT!!! We are about to dig a bit deeper, and is it fair to say we married him because we were selfish? (Please hear me out!) 

We chose to marry, based on how he made us feel! Rather the feeling was love, sense of security, or another reason that made you say I do. THE TRUTH…we more than likely did not marry him because how WE MADE HIM feel?! Fair enough?

Don’t get me wrong. We did love how we made him feel. Since we loved how he made us feel (enough to walk down the aisle), we so lovingly spoke his love language! 

But, are you ready for it? We selfishly loved making him happy and doing all those crazy things we did for him when we were dating. Self-centeredness drove those behaviors because we loved the fulfillment we received by doing all those things for him. (Please note I am not saying this is wrong, just getting you to see the playing field we were likely on when we entered into marriage.)

Step 1 To Becoming One With Your Husband!

After your newlywed years, you might have found yourselves still as two. So what do you need to do to change that? You need to become devoted more to your marriage than yourself. 

To truly become one with your spouse, you will have to subtract your selfishness. There is no room for it in a healthy marriage. (Please note, I am not talking about self-care, we will touch on this later in the series as it is another critical part of being one with your husband.)

Selfishness is hard to subtract. Depending on your age when you were married, you have spent a lot of your life looking after your own self. Making choices based on what you wanted/needed. In a marriage, that has to change! This is not naturally going to happen, and it is a hard 20+ year habit to break. 


You are frustrated (because surprise he cannot read your mind) so you give him the silent treatment! How is the selfishness of your emotions impacting his?

A new job comes along that you can’t wait to grab…great! But how is that job going to impact your marriage? What time will you lose from your husband or what work-related stress could you start bringing home? You may think this is unreasonable, especially if it is your dream job, but that job is not forever, the health of your marriage is. 

You want to drop your kiddos off with your husband as soon as he walks through the door after a long day…you need the rest! But did he need rest more? What has his day looked like?

You want to get a new car and you definitely deserve it…great! Even better, you can afford it…fabulous! But what is that large payment going to do with the money that was freed up to go on annual trips & monthly dates so that your marriage can continuously be renewed? I am not saying to take the bus, I am just saying to weigh out everything before you decide, keeping your marriage your focal point. 

When Two Became One

Marriage-Centered vs Self-Centered

To become one, you have to learn to put your marriage and husband equal to where you have yourself. You must move away from being self-centered to being marriage-centered. It is a way of life, a new awareness, & an intentional mindset. If you do not put selfishness aside, you will never become one with your husband.

What about you? Are there areas in your marriage you can change from self-centered to marriage-centered? Write down 3 areas you know you are more selfish than you should be and aim to work on those this week!

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If you liked this post you will love my post on: How To Prioritize Your Husband You can check it out here!

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